Second Chances
by Emme019
Summary: Sequel to 'Never Leave Me Behind'. Johanna, now a District 4 citizen, has to adapt to life after the war. Old friends, new faces, and a lot of ups and downs will define this story.
1. Note

Hello everyone,

Before you move on to the first chapter, read this message first.

This story is a sequel to my other story 'Never leave me behind'. For those of you who have already read that story but don't really remember what it was about, and for those of you who haven't read it, here's a quick summary:

In (my version of) Mockingjay, Johanna did pass the test to go on that mission to the Capitol. Because of her presence, some things went a little differently. Whereas everyone was acting hostile towards Peeta, Johanna didn't, feeling like it was her duty to stand by his side because of what they both went through in captivity. As the squad was about to go down in the tunnels, Peeta and Johanna got seperated and took a different tunnel. They caught up with Finnick but couldn't find the rest of the group. Eventually, the mutts came. There was a fight, and all three of them escaped the tunnels but Johanna got bitten by one of the mutts. Venom spread through her body which caused temporary paralysis at times, but most importantly the venom got to her brain, making her go wild. They found a way into Snow's mansion and Johanna killed twelve innocent and unarmed servants. There was a trial after Snow's fall, and Johanna had to choose one district to spend the rest of her life in exile. She chose District 4, not wanting to leave her best friend.

So that's about everything you need to know for this story. I hope you'll enjoy it.

- Emme

Sidenote: This is going to be a 'lazy story', by which I mean I won't update once every week but rather once every month. I think that's best for a story like this.


	2. Chapter 1

When I open my eyes, the first thing I notice is the way the bed feels. Too soft. It's been at least a year since I've slept in a bed this soft. And the light-colored walls are too bright, especially with the sun shining through the open window.

As I turn around to lie on my back, I also notice the odd feeling in my stomach. Something is not right and I haven't figured out what yet. Yes, I'm sleeping in a different room, in a new house in District…4.

District 4! I leap out of my bed and run for the toilet with my hand covering my mouth. I figured it out. The sound was wrong. The familiar sound of wind whistling through the leaves is definitely _not_ the same as the sound of waves crashing against the rocks covering the beach in front of my house. Why did Annie choose this house for me? I don't really plan on vomiting every morning just because I can't stand the sound of water. Annie knows there are too many memories linked to it so why?

I brush my teeth and, mad as I am, march to Finnick and Annie's home which is – very conveniently – right next to mine. I don't bother putting on shoes or even putting on some decent clothes. Luckily, there's no one roaming the streets to comment on the large shirt I use as pajamas. And it's not like I have that many clothes to wear, and since the sun shines every day in District 4 I might as well live my life naked.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I yell as I barge into their kitchen where the two of them are just about to start their breakfast.

"Good morning to you too, sunshine," Finnick comments, putting a spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

"It would have been a good morning if I didn't just –"

Finnick holds up his hand to silence me. "Stop right there. I know you are about to say something nasty and I'm eating my breakfast. So don't. Oh, you want some?"

Finnick stands up and puts an extra plate on the table, not bothering to wait for my answer.

"No, I don't want some. What I do want is –"

"You still haven't said good morning. You do realize that, right?" He pauses for a second, his eyebrows raised. "We found you a house next to ours in case you need anything, and we just offered you breakfast. The least you could do is be a little nicer."

"I would be nicer if I didn't live in freaking Atlantis!"

"What?" Finnick asks, eyebrows in a confused knot.

I point to the window. "Water?"

Annie covers her mouth with her hand in realization. "I'm so sorry, Johanna! I never thought about that."

"Pretty weird that you didn't think about that since you were right there," I mutter, not really wanting to be rude to Annie but still…

"Okay, just calm down, have a little breakfast with us and then we'll work on that," Finnick says, his hands in the air as to break up a fight. "Besides, you should learn to get used to the sea. After all, you were the one who chose to live here. No one forced you to."

"I want to get used to it but it'll take time! You can't expect me to be a morning sea goddess on my first day! And I don't want breakfast," I say in disgust, watching the abundance of food on the table while trying to keep my insides down my throat. "I'm already nauseous as it is, thank you very much."

And without a single glance I turn around and leave. I don't know where I'm headed since I don't really feel like going back home where I'm just reminded of my loneliness, and I don't want to go anywhere near the stupid ocean. I want trees, lots of trees.

"Hey," I stop a man in his tracks and ignore the look he throws me for my attire, "is there a forest somewhere around?"

"Excuse me?" he says, clearly confused by my question.

"A forest? Trees? Ugh, never mind," I eventually say when the man keeps the confused look on his face.

"If you're looking for woods then you're in the wrong district," I hear a voice say behind me.

I turn around to see Finnick's big, blond friend Tyree hopping off a truck that smells like fish.

"Thanks for making my day just a tad bit brighter with that information. I really needed that," I reply sarcastically.

He starts to unload the truck, putting large bags of fish next to it. "Just take a train to a district with woods, I hear you can do that now," he says, the effort of talking and lifting heavy bags at the same time making him pant a little.

I wave his offer away. "No, I can't leave district 4."

"Right," he nods, "you're banished from the rest of Panem."

"Banished," I mutter.

"Well, it's the truth. No use trying to make it look better than it is."

And even though this day might be the most awful 'first day' anywhere ever, what Tyree just said resembles me so much it brings a smile to my face.

"Now look at you," Tyree laughs, "if you were wearing something other than that you could've looked like a princess with that smile."

"Is that your idea of flirting?"

His smile falters a little but doesn't disappear completely when he answers. "I don't do flirting. Not anymore."

I fully realize I shouldn't push it but I'm in my pajamas looking for a forest that doesn't exist in this overly bright hellhole and I'm alone so I ask him anyway.

"What happened, Prince Charming, got dumped right before the ball?"

He drops one of the bags in front of a garage before he looks at me.

"No, I just grew out of it, I guess."

I smirk. "No one grows out of flirting. The flirting may change but it doesn't disappear."

"Maybe not for you but I don't see the point in it."

"So you _did_ get dumped before the ball? She must've been a true princess, if you're still pining after-"

"Didn't you have a tree to climb?" he suddenly interrupts me.

I manage to keep the shock from my face, nod instead and try to walk away without turning back to hit him. I was just teasing him, nothing big! Choosing district 4 might just have been the worst decision of my life, and coming from me that can count for something.


	3. Chapter 2

"Do you want another salty, Johanna?" Annie asks me even though I haven't finished the first salty, which is short for 'salted bread', District 4's breakfast obsession.

"No, thanks. I'm still good," I reply, smiling at Finnick from across the table.

I've been in District 4 for almost a month now, and have already fallen into a comfortable daily pattern that starts with a thirty-minute run, followed by breakfast at the Odairs and then attempting to fill the rest of the day. And once a week I do some household chores for Annie's mother.

"What are you grinning at?" I ask Finnick after he's been staring at me and Annie for over five minutes with a ridiculous, cheeky smile on his face.

He nods at Annie. "Tell her."

"No, you can tell her, you're her best friend," Annie replies. I can hear a smile in her voice too but she can't match Finnick's enthusiasm.

"Tell me what?" I ask when neither of them is telling me whatever it is they want to tell me.

"Okay," Finnick eventually says. "Guess who's going to be a dad?"

I gulp the piece of bread I had in my mouth down and raise my eyebrows. "What?" I yell, looking at Annie, then at Finnick and then back at Annie. "You're pregnant?"

Annie nods, a soft smile around her lips and a twinkle in her eyes.

I jump up in excitement. "Congratulations!" I shout, hugging Annie first and then making my way over to Finnick who's already waiting for me with open arms.

"That's so awesome!" I beam at them, sharing their happiness.

"We would like you to be the godmother," Annie says, her voice suddenly cautious. "If you want to, of course."

My mouth falls open for the second time this morning. "Well, duh! Of course I'll be the kid's godmother!"

Finnick throws his arms around me and pulls me in for another bear hug. "Go upstairs to our room," he says once he's calm again. "There's a little godmother present waiting for you."

"A godmother present?" I ask, a skeptical grin on my face.

"Well, it was actually just a welcome-to-District-4 present but since you now agreed to be a godmother…" Finnick trails off with a waving gesture of his hand. "Just go get it."

I smile. "Okay."

When I enter their room I'm taken aback by how clean everything looks. The room just screams 'Annie and Finnick', which is the total opposite of my own bedroom that has my name written all over it, especially over the various piles of clothes casually thrown on the floor.

On their bed is a blue box with a big white ribbon around it, and when I open it I don't immediately know what it is. Even after I've taken the pieces of cloth out, I still have no idea. It feels weird, a bit slippery but still dry..

"Err, what is this?" I say when I get back downstairs, holding the tiny pieces of fabric in my left hand, high enough for Finnick to see.

"It's a bikini," he says, trying not to laugh at the expression on my face.

"A bikini?"

"Yes. You wear it when you go swimming."

I furrow my brow. "Seriously? It's like underwear, only the fabric is different, and the shape..."

"It's underwear to swim," he says, now looking confused. "Do you seriously not know what it is?"

"Well, obviously," I say, throwing the bikini in his face. "And by the way, is it supposed to show off that much skin?"

Now Finnick actually bursts into laughter. "Didn't think you'd have a problem with that."

"Well, I don't," I say, crossing my arms over my chest, "but I just don't understand why people can't wear regular clothes in that kind of fabric to go swimming, like in the Capitol. Or nothing at all."

"Regular clothes are way too hot for a day at the beach, and they don't dry as quickly as this. But feel free to try out the 'nothing at all'. I think you'll have a lot of spectators out there."

I take the black bikini back from Finnick and then shrug. "Well, I have to go. Your mother asked if I could come over today."

Annie looks up from her plate. "I thought you already went there this week?"

"Yes, but she asked me and it's not like I have much else to do so…" I reply. "I wouldn't worry, Annie. I'm sure it's nothing, just laundry or something like that," I try to reassure her when I see her eyebrows go up in concern.

"Okay then," she eventually says, taking Finnick's hand in hers.

"Thanks for eh, this," I say, giving both Finnick and Annie a kiss goodbye.

"You're welcome. Say hi from us!"

"Will do."

As I walk out the door, I don't really know what to do with the bikini since I don't have any pockets. But thankfully, mother Maybelle's house is not that far away.

"Good morning," I say when I open the front door.

"Good morning, Johanna," I hear Annie's mom reply, a laugh in her voice.

I put the bikini on the table and walk towards mother Maybelle, who's sitting in her favorite rocking chair, even though she's not that old yet. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," she says. "Did they tell you?"

I smile. "Yes, they did."

"And?"

"And I'm going to be the godmother!"

That same twinkle that was in Annie's eyes just thirty minutes ago appeared now in her mother's eyes. "I'm so happy. I knew you'd say yes."

"Of course."

She's quiet for a moment before she asks me to make her a cup of tea. "And make one for yourself as well."

I do as I bid, and I'm happy to do it. Life has taken quite a toll on mother Maybelle, having lost one of her children at sea, trying to make a living for her other children when her husband died, Annie being reaped as a tribute and then having to take care of a hysterical person for years. And on top of all that, when Annie was held captive in the Capitol, mother Maybelle tried to talk to District 4 officials to get her daughter back but was severely beaten by peacekeepers until she could barely move. Seeing her smiling, hearing her say she's happy, that's why I love coming here.

I take both cups and put them on the coffee table.

"How are you doing?" she suddenly asks, just a slight edge in her voice that I can't really put my finger on.

"I'm good, why?"

"Just asking. What have you been doing?"

I let out a small laugh. "You mean between the day before yesterday and today? Nothing. I watched TV, ate ice cream and that's probably it."

Mother Maybelle nods, still that sweet smile on her face. "Why don't you try something new? You could go to the beach more, try to get over your fear of water."

I sigh and look at the steaming cup in my hand. "I know. It's just… I don't really feel like I can do that."

"What do you mean?" she asks in a soft voice.

"I don't know. I feel stuck. Everyone is moving on, and I'm just stuck. Finnick and Annie are having a baby, they're both in a really good place, and I'm still in the same place I was when I left the Capitol. I'm still afraid of water, and I can't do anything about it."

I look up and it's then that I realize mother Maybelle knew this all along. That's why she wanted me to come over, to have a talk.

"Why can't you do anything about it?" she says, sipping from her tea. "I heard Finnick and Annie gave you a bikini."

I roll my eyes at her comment. "Right, the bikini. I fear it's going to take more than that."

Suddenly, she takes my hand in hers. "Don't be afraid, Johanna. You just got your life back, enjoy it."

"Okay." I smile. "I'll try."


	4. Chapter 3

As I hear the waves crash onto the beach I try to focus on my toes, which are slowly disappearing into the sand. Once my toes are invisible, I dig my fingers into the sand as well. It's my way of 'getting used to the sea', as Finnick would say. I really want to try, because _I_ made the choice to be here. _I_ made the choice to never leave this place. _I_ made the choice to not abandon my best friend and now _I_'ll have to get used to it. And slowly I am getting used to it. Yesterday it was impossible to stay in this spot for longer than five minutes, but now I can manage. _The water is at least ten meters away_, I keep telling myself as a way of comfort.

"Haven't seen you in a while," an oddly familiar voice says.

"Missed me?" I smile weakly up at Tyree, who is casting a shadow over my face. "You're in my sun."

He smirks. "Didn't take you for the tanning type."

"Yeah, well, I'm bored." I shrug.

"Then maybe you should get off your ass and do something, instead of just sitting here, doing nothing," he suggests while motioning for me to scoot over.

"Says the man who's sitting on his ass as well now, doing nothing."

"Haven't slept last night so excuse me if I'm a bit tired," he yawns.

Laughter escapes my mouth. "Oh how cliché, yawning while saying you're tired."

"Whatever you say, Sunshine."

He closes his eyes and leans back against the big rock we're sitting against. When he opens his eyes again, I'm reminded of the fact that I've been staring at his face way too long.

"What?" he says, not able to keep a grin of his face.

"Nothing," I say quickly. "Why were you up all night?"

He closes his eyes again. "Work. Takes up a lot of your time."

I push my eyebrows together in confusion. "I thought you were a fisherman?"

"I am. It's not just catching fish, though. I can't just sell them like that. I mean, you can but I prefer to clean them before I sell them."

"Oh."

We sit together in silence for a long time and as much as I want to go back home, I don't. My pride is keeping me from getting up. I am not going to admit that I'm still afraid of water, even after having lived in district 4 for at least a month and a half, and especially not to a man who looks like he's afraid of nothing and nobody. And the big scar across his chest is telling me just that.

"You know," he suddenly says, causing me to jump since I thought he had fallen asleep, "I could always use some help on the boat. And since you're so bored, that shouldn't be a problem, right?"

He opens only one eye to gauge my reaction, which is disappointing for him actually. I'm at a loss for words, partly because no one has ever asked for my help before and partly because it's working on a boat. A boat, that sails the seas. Water. No way.

I clear my throat before answering. "No thank you, I'll find something else to keep me busy."

He exhales slowly. "What? You don't want to work with me? Am I less because I'm not a tribute or one of you fancy Victors?"

"This has nothing to do with you," I sigh. "Besides, you really do have something against the Victors, don't you?"

I turn my gaze away from the sea to look at him.

"It was a joke, actually. And I don't have anything against the Victors, I have something against what turned you into this."

"This," I repeat.

"Yes, this." He pauses for a second, doesn't look at me. "Odair is one of my oldest friends. We weren't always close but we knew each other. When he came back, when he won his Games, he wasn't the same anymore."

I turn my head back towards the ocean. "None of us are."

"That's what I mean with 'this'. You lost yourself by winning."

"No," I interrupt him fiercely. "We may have changed but we didn't lose ourselves. Who we, Victors, are now may be not who we thought we'd be, but we are still ourselves. Just with another experience of life."

He doesn't say he agrees with me but he doesn't disagree either. In fact, silence is all I get, which is quite frustrating. But what is there to say to that? Nothing really. It's just how it is.

"To get back to the original subject," Tyree eventually says, "the offer still stands."

"Offer?"

"You know," he gestures towards the ocean, "helping me out at sea a bit."

"Oh, that offer." I lower my eyes, trying to fixate on my toes that are now visible again. "I can't."

"You can't, or you won't?"

"Can't."

"Can't," he repeats in a soft voice, which is surprisingly different from his usual deep, manly voice.

"This is the closest I can get to the water without freaking out," I admit. "And if it weren't for you, I'd probably have left a long time ago. I can't do it."

"If it weren't for me," he quotes, again with that devilish grin Finnick also has at times.

"Don't flatter yourself, big boy," I smile.

"But you did just say –"

"Doesn't matter what I said. I can't go on a boat and that's it."

Suddenly, Tyree gets up and brushes the sand off his legs and hands. "Well, if you do decide it's time to get over that ridiculous fear, let me know."

And with that, he turns around and disappears, leaving me all the more confused about whether he is right or not. Maybe my fear is ridiculous, maybe I'm the one making it worse than it really is.

In an impulse, I jump up and follow Tyree.

"Fine!" I shout once I get him in sight again. "Fine, I'm in! But you'll have to help me, because I will lose it at one point. Probably at more than one point. I will lose it a lot."

"Deal," he shouts back, throwing me a thumbs-up.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?


	5. Chapter 4

"What is this I hear about you going to work on a boat?" a voice says when I open the front door of my house.

I drop my keys and almost punch the intruder before I realize it's only Finnick.

"Fuck," I breathe, "Why would you sneak up on me like that? You know you shouldn't do that, _dumbass_!"

I take a few deep breaths to steady my heart rate and then pick up my keys.

"I didn't sneak up on you," Finnick says, grinning slightly as he flicks on the light switch. "You just weren't expecting me."

"Of course I wasn't expecting you!" I yell, my panic making room for anger. "Why aren't you at home when Annie? It's almost nine o'clock!"

"Nine o'clock indeed, which leads me to this question: Where were you all day?"

I nod towards the bags in my hand. "I went to the grocery store. A girl needs food in her house, even when that girl is me. And then I took a walk."

Finally completely calm, I walk to the kitchen to put everything away and get me and Finnick a drink.

Finnick follows me and leans against the kitchen doorframe. "So," he begins, "a boat?"

I roll my eyes as I hand him a glass of soda.

"With Tyree," he says when I don't reply. "Anything I should know?"

"There's nothing to know," I say.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Why are you asking? Do you have a theory?"

"No, I don't have a theory," Finnick says, shrugging. "I just think it's odd that you chose to get over your fear by working with Tyree."

I can feel a smile spread across my face. "Are we a bit jealous?"

Finnick smirks. "Oh please, Finnick Odair doesn't get jealous."

He flexes the muscles in his arms and chest to add force to his statement but receives a mocking eye-roll from me in return.

"You do realize Tyree's muscles are probably five times bigger than yours are?"

"So you have checked out his muscles?"

Finnick looks like a five-year-old who has just found a secret candy box.

"Bit hard not to," I say matter-of-factly. "No, serious now, you told me I needed to make friends here in District 4, and that's what I'm doing. I don't really want anything more. And I agreed to Tyree's proposal on a whim, actually. But that's not a bad thing, maybe this is what I need. I tried the baby steps, they didn't work."

"Of course they didn't work, you're Johanna, you don't do things halfway. You jump in, head first."

"Thanks for the pep talk, Finn, but why are you really here?"

"I wanted to know-"

"Yeah right, as if. Seriously, why are you here?"

He sighs while rubbing a hand over his face. "I'm tired. The Capitol still haunts me at night, and I can't talk to Annie about it because I don't want to upset her. And I miss you."

"I'm right here."

Finnick throws me one of his sweetest smiles, the kind he usually reserved for Mags, and Annie. "I know. I mean I miss us, our Capitol friendship. As much as I hated that place, we had some good times."

I know what he means. I only felt at home in the Capitol because of Finnick, and we did have some great times.

"I miss us too," I admit in a soft voice. I thought it would be selfish of me to reclaim my best friend now that he and his wife are finally reunited and they're having a baby, but now that he basically told me he needs a break from his peachy life, I suddenly don't feel so bad about secretly wanting our Capitol times back anymore.

"We need to fix us," he says.

"We do," I nod.

"Okay, here's the plan," Finnick says, an enthusiastic expression on his face, "You and me will go on a date once a week."

I raise my eyebrows. "On a date? Somehow I have the feeling your _wife_ won't be okay with that."

"On a _friendship_ date, Johanna," Finnick says, sighing and rolling his eyes as if it's the most simple thing in the world.

"Oh excuse me, _friend_. Then okay, I like the plan. When do we start?"

"Next week?"

"Deal."

I put out my hand to shake on it and before we say goodbye, Finnick raises his hand as if he's only now remembering something.

"Oh, that's right, someone called earlier!"

"Who?"

"I don't know, I heard the phone ring when I got in but was too late to pick up."

I look at the phone hanging on the wall and then shrug. "If it's urgent, they'll call me back. Now go, before you're grounded for staying out too long."

* * *

><p>I open the door of the bar Tyree told me to meet him at. It's a bit damp inside, smelling of fish, and my eyes start to water because of the smoke inside. A few older and tough-looking men glance at me when I come in, but then continue their conversation. I spot Tyree at the bar, ordering a beer for himself.<p>

"You?" he asks me.

"Eh, I don't really like beer. Scotch please."

"And one scotch," he tells the bartender.

"So, why did you want to meet me?" I ask once we both have our drinks.

"Well, now that you're officially ready to get over your fears and are starting to fit in," Tyree says, raising his beer, "I think we should make a toast."

I chuckle half-heartedly. "Oh yeah?"

"To new beginnings," he says, clinking his glass with mine.

"I don't think it's that simple," I say in a whispery voice.

Tyree takes a large gulp from his beer before he says, "Nothing ever is, Johanna. But instead of worrying about everything, just try."

I raise my eyebrow. "Just try?"

"Yeah, there's more to life than just waiting for the next fight."

"Says the big guy who's had more fights than a peacekeeper, and has a giant scar to prove it," I snigger. "You should just try to take your own advice sometimes."

Tyree turns his head and looks at me smilingly before downing his beer and getting up from his chair. "Spit fire all you want, Johanna Mason. It takes more than you to burn me," he says, still wearing that cocky grin that somehow looks familiar.

"Who says I'm trying to burn you?" I say with a smile, shaking off the uneasy feeling that his grin gave me.

"Oh you just seem like a kind of girl who always plays with fire," he replies, swinging an arm over my shoulder.

"Okay mister Poet, I think I got the message. And what the hell are you doing?" I add, pushing his arm off my shoulders. "And stop smiling, it's getting creepy."

"Dance with me?" he suddenly asks.

I look at his still grinning face for a moment, deciding if his friendship is worth my trouble or not. "I don't dance," I eventually say.

"You should dance with me, I've got some kick-ass moves."

I burst out in laughter. "I don't think you even realize how arrogant you can be. But what the hell, just try, right?"

"Just try."


	6. Chapter 5

It's early in the morning, very early, when I wake up from the phone ringing. My first thought is just to fuck it and go back to sleep, but soon after the ringing has stopped, it starts again. With a frustrated groan I roll out of bed and glance at the clock in the hallway. 5.34 am. Way too early. Especially since my night at the bar with Tyree didn't exactly end early. As I walk down the stairs and switch on the light, a pounding headache I didn't know I had comes crashing down on me in full force.

"What?" I snap at the person on the other end of the line.

"Hey, Johanna."

"Peeta? Is that you?"

I'm wide awake now, clamping my left hand over my forehead in an attempt to stop the headache so I can focus on why Peeta would be calling me at half past five in the morning.

"What's going on? Why are you calling? Is everything okay?" I ramble. I'm suddenly filled with some kind of weird, sisterly worry, afraid that something might have happened to him.

"I'm fine," he says, but I can tell from his tone that he's not. "I tried calling you yesterday but you didn't pick up."

The thought of missing Peeta's call yesterday angers me somehow, especially because I didn't even bother to look who had called me. "Then why didn't you try again an hour later? I didn't know it was you, if I had known-"

"I thought I was maybe overreacting a little so I didn't call again, but-"

"But what?"

Peeta's quiet for a moment, and I'm about to lose my calm when he finally answers. "It's Katniss."

I sigh in relief, which I know I shouldn't but I'm just happy that Peeta is okay. "What about Katniss?"

"Johanna - I think she's losing it. And I don't know what to do-"

"What do you mean she's losing it? Losing it as in having a breakdown? Nightmares?"

"No, she's not just having a breakdown. She's going full Annie here."

I close my eyes and sigh. "You should call Finnick, you know he's got more experience with stuff like that."

"I know… but I just, you kinda were the first person I thought of…"

I'm about to say that it's sweet but that I really can't help him but then I think about how much I leaned on Peeta when things got a bit rough for me during our captivity in the Capitol and how much I owe it to him to at least listen.

"Tell me what happened," I eventually say.

As Peeta starts telling me about Katniss having a little breakdown yesterday, I grab a blanket from the couch, a glass of water and an aspirin from the kitchen, and go outside to sit on the porch, looking at the ocean.

"…but then about thirty minutes ago she woke up, went downstairs and suddenly started crying and yelling and slapping herself," Peeta continues. "I tried to calm her down but I really don't know what to do."

I frown as I try to picture Katniss the way Peeta just described. "What is she doing now?"

"Still trying to hit herself, but Haymitch is holding her tight so she can't really do anything but yell."

I stay quiet for a while, thinking about what Peeta could possibly do to calm her down. I can hear the vague sounds of Katniss yelling in another room, and an occasional curse from Haymitch in between. I never knew Katniss like this, so it's very difficult for me to give Peeta, who knows her better than anyone else, advice on how to handle her.

"I don't think you can do anything, Peeta," I say after a very long time, "Really, all you can do is be there for her. Let her break down for as long as she needs to."

"You may be right," Peeta answers.

His words bring a smile to my face. "I'm always right."

I can hear Peeta chuckle lightly, and it feels so comfortable to just sit here on my porch, talking to an old friend on the phone, even if the subject of our conversation is far from comfortable.

"How are you doing, Johanna?" Peeta asks after a long time when we just listened to each other's presence.

"I'm fine," I reply, "I'm trying to get my life back."

"And how's that going?"

"Slowly," I say truthfully, pursing my lips in thought. "From the outside it looks as if I never encountered any difficulty in life, apart from the water thing, but I'm still struggling."

"Because of Annie's pregnancy?"

At first I am somewhat confused and taken aback by Peeta's question – because why the hell would Annie's pregnancy have anything to do with how my life is progressing – but then I remember that we really do know each other well, and I realize he's right. "Yeah, I suppose. I don't have Finnick to lean on anymore. And I can see he's still a bit lost too at times, but he's keeping up appearances for Annie. He has to."

"But then you're all alone out there?" Peeta says, sounding annoyed and worried by my confession.

"Not really, I'm at Finnick's house almost every day, and I have Annie's mother. And now I got myself a job –"

"A job?"

I laugh at Peeta's surprised tone. "Yes, on a fishing boat, with one of Finnick's friends, Tyree."

Peeta stays silent for a long time. So long that I'm almost certain I've lost him. "Peeta? Are you still there?"

"You're going to work on … a boat?"

Saying that he sounded puzzled would be an understatement.

"Yeah..."

"I thought you said you were _slowly_ getting your life back, _slowly_ adjusting to everything. Notice my emphasis on slowly!"

We both laugh but then I change the direction of our conversation to him. "So how is your life going, also slowly?"

"I guess so," Peeta says after a few deep breaths. "This was the first laugh I've had in months, so you could say very slowly."

Haymitch suddenly curses particularly loud and I frown. "He doesn't sound good," I remark.

"No, he's been drinking a lot lately. Again."

"So basically you're the only sane person in District 12?"

"Basically, yes," Peeta says.

As I listen to Peeta talk about how Katniss was when he just got back from the Capitol, and how Haymitch one day behaved like old Haymitch, and the next like District 13 Haymitch, I watch the sun rise and cast a soft glow over the beach and the water.

"She's calmed down," Peeta eventually says after what seems like an eternity and a minute at the same time.

"Well, I guess you better go check on her, see if Haymitch hasn't killed her yet."

"As if I would let him! It was nice talking to you, Johanna. I've really missed you."

A sad smile spreads across my face. "I've missed you too."

"I'll talk to you soon," Peeta promises before he hangs up to go back to Katniss.

I stay on the porch with the phone in my hand until Finnick comes to ask why I'm not at his place for breakfast yet.


	7. Chapter 6

"Why did Peeta call you this early in the morning?" Finnick asks me when we're seated at his kitchen table, stuffing our mouths with breakfast deliciousness.

"Because Katniss was…" I start, tentatively looking at Annie who's not exactly paying attention, "kind of upset."

Apparently Annie was listening to me. "Why was she upset?"

"Bad dream I suppose." I dismiss the whole Katniss thing with an impatient wave of my hand.

"And what did he say, about everything else?" Finnick asks. One look at him and I know he's on to me about the real reason Peeta called.

"He talked about Haymitch being a drunk again, about how he's slowly adapting to life after the war. Stuff like that."

I quickly eat the rest of my cereal and then say that I have to go.

"Why?"

"Because it's my first day of work, and Tyree is expecting me at the docks in twenty minutes, and I have no idea where the docks are so I'll just have to guess which is why I need twenty minutes."

Annie looks confused. "You're going to work for Tyree? But he's a fisherman."

"I know," I nod. "Guess I'll have to get over my fear once and for all."

Finnick smiles encouragingly. "Good luck. And just follow the beach to the left, you'll find the docks soon enough."

"Thanks," I say, quickly throwing two kisses in their direction and heading off.

Finnick was right, it doesn't take long at all to find the docks. I can already see them and I've only been walking for about ten minutes now. My first day and I'm already early. Good job, Jo.

"Good morning," I say cheerfully when I spot Tyree carrying a net filled with fish.

"Morning to you too," he replies.

I point to the net. "You already went fishing?"

"Yeah," he says, "I figured it'd be easier if your first day didn't involve a whole lot of water. So we're just going to gut and scale these little ones here."

I follow Tyree to a table outside of what looks like a big storehouse. He gives me a knife and gloves, and drops one of the fish in front of me.

"Okay, keep your left hand on the tail, and use your knife to wipe away the scales in the opposite direction."

I watch as Tyree shows me how to do it and then try for myself. It's surprisingly easy, but the stench is horrible.

"You'll get used to it," Tyree laughs, having guessed my thoughts. "Make sure you have all the scales. They're not that tasty."

I nod and continue, trying not to laugh at the fish's face.

When I'm done Tyree picks up my fish - who I've mentally named Edgar because he's the first and should be remembered - and checks how well I've done.

"Not bad," he mutters. "Okay, now slice open the lower side of the fish with the tip of your knife."

I do as I'm told and crunch my nose in the process.

"It's going to get worse," Tyree says in response to my face.

"Oh joy…"

"Now put your hand inside the cut you've just made."

I look up. "What?"

"Like so," he says, putting his own fingers inside the fish and grabbing all the guts and pulling them out.

"That's disgusting."

"I know, just do it."

"Fine," I mutter, not wanting to be a total wuss on my first day. "What about the head?" I ask once I've gutted Edgar.

"Sometimes we only remove the gills, because they don't taste well, but this time the whole head has to go."

He picks up a large knife and in one blow removes the head of his fish.

"Now you," he says as he hands me the knife. "It's the most fun you'll have when scaling and gutting a fish, so enjoy it."

"Okay, boss."

And he's right. It's strangely satisfying to swing that knife and see the head falling to the floor.

"And there you go, perfect job for your first time!"

I turn around, waving headless Egdar in the air while doing a strange but happy dance.

"You look ridiculous," Tyree laughs.

"Shut up and let me dance with my fish."

And there's that smile again, the one that seems so familiar. The one that makes my breath hitch without me knowing why.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" Tyree suddenly asks when I've stopped dancing.

I cough and put Edgar in the bucket next to the table. "Like what?"

"You just look so confused every time I laugh, or that time at the beach when we were talking about how messed up Victors really are, or when I reminded you that you are 'Johanna fucking Mason'."

I look back up and have to squint a bit because the glaring sun is blinding me. "I don't know, there's just something so familiar about you. I can't really put my finger on it and it's very frustrating."

"Familiar?"

"The things you say, the way you act...," I sum up while taking another fish from the other bucket. "It's just odd."

"Maybe I remind you of Finnick. The District 4 attitude is definitely different. We're quite charming, you know."

I shake my head. "No, it's not Finnick you remind me of. I mean, sure, you look a bit like him with your tanned skin and eyes but you're also much more muscular, have longer hair which is not bronze but blonde and -"

And in that moment it hits me. Another face worms itself into my mind. A arrogantly smiling face that I had blocked out for such a long time I almost completely forgot about it. The cutting knife and fish both fall to the floor as I stumble backwards, suddenly reminded of the corruption of the Capitol, the hurt and anger they made me feel, their carelessness with regard to life.

"I'm sorry," I manage to say to Tyree. "I have to go."

_And by the way, that wink was meant for you. _

"Wh-? Johanna?"

I run as fast as I can, bumping into someone every now and then without muttering an apology, until I get home. I remove the gloves I'm still wearing and run upstairs, to my room. I yank open the doors of the wardrobe and begin pulling out every piece of clothing, while frantically mumbling nonsense. Shorts, tops, blouses, even dresses Finnick somehow got me to buy… Everything lands on the floor. I'm just about to give Annie an angry call for asking where the hell my sweater is when I remember I haven't had that particular sweater in over two years. The last time I wore it was the evening before the Quarter Quell. After the Quarter Quell Games, I never saw my Capitol clothes again. Not even the sweater, and definitely not the note that had been in one of the pockets since my first year as a mentor.

I sink to the floor, and start sobbing uncontrollably while clutching the useless items of clothing on the floor.

"No," I hear myself whimper uncharacteristically. "No, no, no."

_Come on, don't be a pussy. You're Johanna fucking Mason._

"Johanna!"

I look up when I hear Finnick's panicky voice.

"What's wrong?" he asks me while walking around the bed to get to me.

I look at him with tear-filled eyes. "Dustin," is all I need to say for him to join me on the ground and pull me into a hug.


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait! University is _trying_ to kick my ass, but I managed to squeeze in a new chapter. **

* * *

><p>A soft knock on my bedroom door awakes me from my sleepless night.<p>

"Hey," I hear Finnick say in an even softer voice. "Are you awake?"

"Of course," I whisper back.

It's been a couple of days since my breakdown, and somehow I can't get over it. Somehow, Dustin keeps wandering around in my mind, winking and grinning, and roaring with laughter, and I can't get him out, no matter how hard I try.

I feel the mattress sink in when Finnick moves to sit next me and takes my hand in his.

"Tyree stopped by today," he says.

I avoid his gaze and sigh. Yes, Tyree had crossed my mind, especially because he was kind of the one that sparked my memory of Dustin, but he's not important right now. And not to sound completely lame, but nothing really is in my life, except for Finnick. As much as Panem tried to move forward after the Capitol fell, not much has changed. Sure, there aren't that many peacekeepers walking around, watching your every move and randomly shooting people. But _life_ hasn't changed. Maybe I expected it to change, or maybe I didn't really count on seeing the future. I just didn't expect it to stay like this.

"Did you hear what I just said?"

I finally turn around to look at Finnick and nod. "Yes, Tyree stopped by today. What did you tell him?"

Finnick clears his throat. "Well, he said he felt like he had to give you some time, because obviously something happened. But he's curious."

"It's none of his business," I reply matter-of-factly, turning around again.

"I agree, but he is your boss. He wants to know when you're coming back to work. And don't you think it's possible that he, I don't know, _cares_?"

"Aw come on!" I suddenly groan. "I can't think about work right now."

I know I completely ditched the caring-part of what Finnick said about Tyree, but that's because I don't want to think that he cares. It's just easier to not care at all, and not having anyone caring about you. And Tyree caring is not what I want.

Luckily, Finnick picks up on my attempt to avoid that particular topic. "Well, then I guess you have a problem, because you'll have to think about work."

I immediately look back up at Finnick, because his response is suddenly harsh and it surprises me. "What?"

He has a stern look in his eyes. "It's time for you to grow up."

"Excuse me?" I breathe, feeling somewhat confused and angry.

"Johanna, you're twenty-two years old, you have a new life that you were finally starting to enjoy. Instead of always sinking back into the past, live your life again."

"That's easy for you to say, you have your perfect little family going on!"

His expression softens as quickly as it had hardened. "And you're part of my family, remember? Plus, I have had losses too."

My words come out almost like a whisper and a yell at the same time. "But you never lost Annie."

Finnick nods and throws his arm around my shoulder. "I lost her in a different way, but I know it's not the same. I'm sorry about Dustin, Jo."

I roll my eyes in a pathetic attempt to look tough. "You're a bit late. He died four years ago."

"I know, but you blocked him out of your memory for so long, that you're going through the mourning process right now."

I think about what he just said for a moment, and realize that he's right. The moment the seventy-second Hunger Games were over, and I had my almost-physical fight with president Snow, I tried to forget Dustin. And it was surprisingly easy because I didn't have a bragging and taunting Cashmere in District 7, and Dustin had no family members who could glare at me every time I stepped outside. Sure, everyone else cared, but only for a second. The people in District 7 were used to losing. So without anyone caring, I could block out every Dustin-related memory.

"So what did you tell Tyree," I quickly change the subject before Finnick can try to offer me even more comfort in the form of psychological crap, which would definitely make me cry, and I don't cry.

"I told him you had some issues, and that you would tell him when you wanted him to know. It's not my place to talk to him about you or the people you love."

"Loved," I correct him.

"Don't try to downgrade it, Jo," Finnick says, placing a kiss on my temple. "I was there, I know what happened. As much as you hate to admit it, you did love him. You still do, otherwise you wouldn't lock yourself up in your bedroom for almost a week."

"It was so much easier when it was just you and me," I sigh.

"I know. And it's still just you and me, only with others too. But we're the center, alright? So come on, let's get out of this room."

As much as Finnick tries to cheer me up, or comfort me, I still feel sad. And right now it feels like part of me will always stay sad for everything that happened in the past.

"Do you want me to call Peeta?"

I frown at him as I get up from, or rather roll off, the bed. "Why would you call Peeta?"

"Because right now, letting you talk to Peeta looks like the only solution to get you out of here."

"I'm out of bed. What else do you want from me? Besides, I can't talk to Peeta about this, he doesn't know."

When Finnick doesn't answer immediately – something he usually does – I look up. "He does know?"

Finnick nods. "I told him yesterday."

"What happened to _It's_ _not my place to talk to him about you or the people you love_?"

"Come on," Finnick starts in his don't-do-this-to-me-Johanna-voice, "This is Peeta. He's different from Tyree."

"Doesn't matter. Finn, you don't just go around telling people my secrets! Ugh, you can be so _stupid_ sometimes!" I groan angrily.

"Your secret," Finnick starts with a roll of his eyes, but then he holds his hands up in defeat, eyebrows raised. "But fine, I'm not going to say anything anymore because I know it's just the grief and sadness talking, in a very angry voice I might add, and that you're not thinking clearly right now. So I'm going back home. See you later, _sunshine_."

I huff at his sarcastic pet name for me, and cross my arms over my chest. On a whim, I run downstairs and pick up the phone.

"Tyree, it's Johanna," I say as soon as I hear him pick up.

"Johanna!" he says, sounding a tad surprised. "How are you?"

"Yeah yeah, I'm fine, whatever" I say bluntly. "Listen, I'm coming back to work tomorrow, alright?"

"Um, sure, if that's what you want?"

"Okay. Oh and you don't have to go all pussy on me. It's time to get me on a boat."

I chew my bottom lip nervously as I hang up. Finnick's right, it's time to live my life again. I can't cling to the past anymore. Dustin will be difficult to let go, but my fear of water has to stop. Right now. It's the only thing I want to focus on from now on.

* * *

><p><strong>Reviews would really make my day.<strong>


	9. Chapter 8

It's time.

I grab my keys and open the door to step outside, sighing heavily. As much as I'd love to just stay on the couch and watch one of these ridiculous TV programs Capitol TV has been broadcasting lately, I have to go to work again. No time for moping anymore. As I walk down the beach, I make a mental note to call Peeta when I get back. I wonder how Katniss is doing with all _her_ moping.

"Johanna, wait!"

I turn around and squint at the figure running towards me. It's still quite dark but as soon as she's closer, I recognize Annie.

"Hey, Annie, what's up?" I ask her.

Without saying a word, she just throws her arms around my shoulders and hugs me tightly. "Good luck today," she says in her soft voice.

"You got up this early to give me a hug?" I ask a little skeptically, but then I remember it's Annie.

"I thought you might need it," she answers with a shrug, a small smile still plastered on her face.

"Oh, well, thanks."

She turns back around and walks home, leaving me sort of dumbfounded but also slightly more willing to go to work.

I put my hands in the pockets of my sweater and continue my walk to the docks. When I arrive, I can tell from Tyree's face that he's surprised I actually showed up.

"Hey," he greets me.

I just nod and turn my head. "So where's the boat?" I ask immediately, not giving him the chance to ask me how I'm doing, or something like that.

"Are you sure you're ready for that?"

I close my eyes and hold back a grunt of frustration. "Yes, I am sure," I say through gritted teeth.

"Okay then," he simply replies.

Tyree leads me to one of the docks and steps onto a boat. The dark red paint is peeling off and it looks as if the boat has had to endure its fair share of storms but I can still make out the white letters on the side.

"Kay," I read. "Nice name. Your mother's?"

Tyree turns around and looks at me for a second before grabbing a large net laying on the floor. "No," he simply says.

I quirk an eyebrow but don't say anything after that. It's obvious the name of the boat shouldn't be discussed and frankly I don't really feel like being the perfect conversationalist today.

"So, eh, yeah this is called a seiner," Tyree begins sort of awkwardly. "It's because we use a seine or dragnet to catch fish."

"Can't we just move on to the actual fishing," I ask, running out of patience and willpower to stay put on the boat. I swallow a few times and try not to focus on the sound of waves crashing onto the boat.

Tyree cocks one eyebrow before he speaks. "No, you need to know about everything before you use it."

I suppress a heavy sigh and just nod as Tyree explains how the nets are used to catch fish, and how we're supposed to gather the fish onto the boat. "So when the net's in the water, it encircles a school of fish, and then we haul in the wire cable with this," he says, pointing to a metallic handle, "which will close the net and prevent the fish from escaping. After that we store the fish in the refrigerator below deck."

"How the hell did you manage to do all that by yourself," I mutter more to myself than to Tyree, but he just laughs and says, "By being creative, I guess."

I give a half-nod, half-shrug, take up the net and fasten it to one of the beams.

* * *

><p>"So how's Annie doing with her pregnancy?" Tyree asks once we're busy.<p>

I shrug casually. "Don't really know. Fine, I guess."

"You guess? Aren't you going to be the kid's godmother?"

"Hm-hm," I say, not looking up. "Doesn't mean I should hold my hand against her belly all the time and coo at it like some stuck-up Capitolian."

Tyree keeps quiet again and I can't really blame him. I fully realize I'm just plain shit to be around, but I promised myself I'd get through everything, so I'll have to focus on myself first and then on others.

* * *

><p>"So, any fish you'd like to dance with?" Tyree says when we take in the first batch of fish, a smile evident in his voice.<p>

I almost smile back at his remark. "Maybe next time."

"I sure hope so," Tyree keeps the mood light. "Proves that you're not as uptight as you seem."

"Uptight?!" I exclaim despite my broody mood. "How the hell am I uptight?"

Tyree starts laughing, shaking his head, causing some strands of his dirty blonde hair to fall out of the bun against his neck. "Wow, if I'd known an insult would get you talking, I would've insulted you a few hours ago."

"Didn't realize you wanted me to talk to you this badly," I say. "I may be different right now, but I'm not uptight. I'm fun, just not right now, okay?"

Tyree holds his hands up in mock surrender, still smirking. "I believe you, princess, you'll just have to show me someday."

I shake my head as well and roll my eyes. "And I thought you didn't flirt anymore," I mutter just loudly enough for him to hear.

A giant wave suddenly crashes against the boat, so I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths before I dare to open them again.

"You okay?" Tyree asks, a worried frown on his forehead.

"Peachy," I reply, still breathing heavily.

Tyree doesn't say anything but I can feel him watching me intently, probably expecting me to go into a fit.

I startle when I feel something heavy slam against the boat. "What was that?" I ask Tyree.

He looks up, a confused expression on his face. "What was what?"

I wait a few seconds, not really sure if I really felt something or if it was just my imagination running wild. Maybe it was just an enormous wave, nothing more. But then it happens again, only slightly different this time.

"That!" I exclaim, pointing to nothing in particular. "Did you feel that?"

I turn around to see if Tyree did feel the same. His narrowed eyes are scanning the gentle waves lapping against the boat. "Yes," he murmurs. "I did feel that."

Tyree walks to the side of the boat and leans over to see what it was, and I instantly feel on edge, my arena instincts kicking back in. _Don't be silly_, I tell myself, _there are no arenas anymore, no Games_. But I can't help it, and as soon as I hear movement behind me and turn around and throw a punch. An excruciating pain in my right hand and a sound somewhere between a shriek and a grunt prove that I indeed hit someone who wasn't on the boat before.

"Tyree!" I yell, shaking my hand as if it'll make the pain disappear somehow.

But before Tyree can do something about the stranger, whose nose I've obviously broken, another jumps on board.

"What the –" Tyree starts but is cut off by the second stranger's fist flying towards Tyree's face.

There's a bit of a fight between Tyree and the second stranger – the first one trying to stop the blood pouring out of his nose – but it doesn't last long. As Tyree holds the scruffy and wet looking man's arm in an iron grip, he asks him what the hell they're doing on his boat.

The man doesn't reply, he just grins at me. I keep a fixed eye on Nosey, ready to jump him if he tries to do anything funny, while Tyree pulls on the other man's arm. "I repeat," he says through clenched teeth, "What are you doing on my boat?"

The man starts laughing. "Well aren't you a total dumbass, we're trying to steal it, obviously."

I raise an eyebrow at Tyree. "Well, he is honest, I must give him that," I say.

Tyree doesn't acknowledge my remark. "Why?" he asks the man.

"For the fish. We're a bit short on money."

I scan the man Tyree is holding, and notice he's pretty big. He's a lot like Tyree in posture, but he looks older and more banged up by life, so to speak. His dripping wet clothes are torn and his general appearance looks dirty and bad. Nosey looks like a terribly clumsy sidekick, more around my age. Maybe they're father and son.

Tyree shoots me a look that says he doesn't really know how to handle the situation.

"Maybe, if you're so short on money, you should try working instead," I suggest, my voice dripping sarcasm.

Tyree's man laughs again, and Nosey joins him. "Why work if we can just take your fish and go on with our lives? Who's going to stop us?"

"Apparently, we are," Tyree says.

"Yeah, but once we've knocked you out, then what? You're going to report us? You're going to get peacekeepers to shoot us? What peacekeepers, huh?"

Both men won't stop laughing, and it's driving Tyree nuts, I can tell. But they're right, there's no one to stop them other than Tyree and me.

There's an awkward silence lingering next to the laughter, but before I can make any suggestions about what to do with the two men, Tyree punches the one he was holding so hard it knocks him out. With a furious look on his face, he walks over to where the other is still standing next to me, grabs his arm less than gently and ties them together with one of the ropes lying on deck.

"There," he says, "Let's drop them off somewhere far away from here."


End file.
